I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
