Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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