If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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