Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
