Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
