on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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