She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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