everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
