If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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