And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
