Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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