Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
