i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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