I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
