she was so not down for the gang bang
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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