Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
