just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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