I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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