You're a womanizer and a bitch.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
