Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
