i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
