Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
