Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
