Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
