I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
