gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
