i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
