What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
