I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
