You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
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