I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Bring me that man meat
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
