my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
