$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize