Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
