my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize