im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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