i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
