life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize