Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
