he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
