my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
