i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
