Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
