Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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