Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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