after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
