matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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