When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize