I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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