how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
