nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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