My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize