is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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