JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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