I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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