So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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