I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
