I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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