Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
