She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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