i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
