Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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